We Love To Blame Others - When It Is Our Fault 100% Of The Time

‘There will come a time when you will realise that it is 100% your fault,’ is what Goenka Ji says in one of the discourses in the ten-day Vipassana meditation. And after decades of practice, I am beginning to realise how true that is. Vipassana is a Pali word that means ‘to see reality as it is.’ And how we do that is to observe one’s mind and body through thoughts and sensations - and reality will become clearer and clearer, like peeling the layers of an onion.

What does it mean that it is all my fault? Anytime anything goes wrong, like my team does not do what they are supposed to do, or my daughter will not go to bed, or the car won’t start - it is all my fault. Radical right! That is why Goenka ji says: as you meditate more and more, you will realise that you share at least ten per cent of the blame, and soon you will realise it is 100% your fault.

To understand that, we have to focus on the fault part and not the car. Let’s take these examples one by one. First, the car not starting. I wake up in the morning, come down, and I’m all set for my day, but the car won’t start. What is my immediate reaction? I get angry, I get upset, I get frustrated. Thoughts like: ‘I have an important meeting - now what will happen? Why does it happen to me all the time? Nothing goes right.’ And we roll in these miserable thoughts for a while - how long we roll in them depends on our awareness. Now the question is: why is this my fault? My fault is that when I got out, turned the power button on my car, and it didn’t start, I started generating negativity. The car won’t start - yes, that is true. But why am I getting angry?

Similarly, my team isn’t doing what they are supposed to; they send emails with spelling mistakes, let things slip past the due date, and so on. And my fault is that I get angry over that. My daughter won’t go to bed, and I really want to read a book. It’s been thirty minutes, and she is still not going to bed - and I get angry. Getting angry is my fault.

The getting angry part is my fault - and Vipassana or any other meditation course will teach you how to observe your emotions so that you can have a good relationship with them. Since I am the one generating anger over the car not starting, it is my fault. Another way of thinking about it: you can only change one person, and that is you. The minute we put the onus on another person or thing, it is our fault.

Next question is: so what is the answer? Not get angry? If you can manage not getting angry without suppressing or expressing it - great. But most of us are not there - so what do we do? The first step is awareness - become aware that you are getting angry; the external factor causing the anger does not matter. Internally, you have started generating negative emotions - that itself will keep your mind balanced, and you can think a bit more clearly. Once you stop blaming others, your focus will return to what needs to be done, like, OK, the car is not starting. So, you work from home or call and say you cannot make the meeting and move on. Your team is not doing the work - you talk to them, give them feedback or coach them out. My daughter is not going to sleep - either I ask my husband to take over, or I postpone reading the book, or I try different things like cuddling, patting, or singing a lullaby.

Come to think of it, it is a logical approach to things instead of losing your mind over it. Losing our minds over something makes us feel good- righteousness, anger but it’s like junk food; it doesn’t really do anything for us. So the sooner we stop losing our minds and bring it to a balanced place, the more peace we gain.

Now, the real work is in getting our mind to a balanced state - without expression or suppression. Observe anger instead of getting angry or suppressing it (telling yourself you are not angry while your heartbeat and mind race). And meditation is one way to do it.

What do you do when you start losing your mind and need to bring it back to a balanced state?