When Being Direct Is Not An Acceptable Society Norm

Sometimes I feel like the social side of our world has a set of unwritten rules, but everyone seems to know them. Like, if you meet another couple with a kid the same age as yours, should you ask them for their number at the first meeting? Or when you have a one-on-one with your employees, how long is normal enough to spend on chit-chat before getting into work?

When I was an individual contributor, I had no issues with that - I would get my work done and get to know people enough to get work done. But I remember my first job as a people manager - one of my peers then actually told me that I should share something about my life with my team. I responded with a question: ‘Why would they want to know about my life?’ But something about what he said resonated with me. So, I tried, and it seemed to work. My team were all older than me, so sharing things with them balanced the equation in some way - like they could give me life advice and I could help them do their work better. But it was an acquired skill, not an instinctive skill.

And to this day, it still is an acquired skill - by acquired, it means it does not feel natural to you, and what that means is that every time I use that muscle, it feels alien - it’s just that prolonged use of the skill makes you get used to the feeling of alienness. Yesterday, a group of us from work got together - my previous team. And I wasn’t sure what the protocol was - are we supposed to bring something? What do you wear, etc.? It all turned out fine in the end, but I have a nagging feeling that says, “Am I doing it correctly?”

But when it comes to work, I have no issues - I know exactly what to do, what needs to be done next, what to focus on, etc. It is kind of odd to see these two worlds. If I tell people that I am socially awkward, which I do, they don’t believe me. Most of the time, I don’t go into the details because it is cumbersome, and I am not sure they would be interested.

Another theory I have about my so-called social awkwardness is that I live in extremes: either I have deep friendships or no friends at all. But the real world exists in the middle, and I don’t know how to operate in it. That rings true. I wish people would be more direct and just say things as they are - when I do that, people are surprised but relieved at the same time.

Like, telling the couple whose kid is the same age as ours: ‘Listen, do you want to exchange numbers and see if our kids can play together? And if they like it, we can continue playdates?’ in the very first meeting. But I cannot, because there is an intricate game of - oh, you have to meet them a certain number of times before you reach that level. See, life is too short to be guessing around like this. And to add to it - rules are different everywhere; like in London, you have to start with the weather, or sorry. In America, it’s talking about your weekend and in India it is straight to how much salary you make. Australia is more laid-back and informal, too. Why do we make our lives so difficult? Or, I guess it is difficult only for me. Maybe this is why I like books- anyway, I digress.

Do you find this social tip-toeing difficult or easy?