Adoption Diaries - To Share Or Not?

Link to the previous blog.

Adoption was a really long process for us - and my personal mental model with such things is not to share widely. The only people who know are the ones I talk to regularly, which is a handful of folks. My husband, on the other hand, told everybody, including his hairdresser. I told my boss at work only when we were a few months away from going to India. The reason being: a) I wanted to avoid the constant asking for updates when I don’t have any. In the adoption process, it is a lot of just waiting. b) Telling other people increases the stories I build in my head, so to protect my own emotional well-being, I don’t talk about it much. My husband was so excited that he wanted to share the news with others. I, on the other hand, wanted to be sure before I shared and wanted to reduce the amount of time spent sharing as well. So, closer to the date worked well for me.

But I have absolutely no problem sharing all of these in a blog. I am more vulnerable in my blogs than in conversations. And I got to wondering why? Because in blogs I do not have to respond in real time to other people’s beliefs or thoughts. It is one-way communication, with the choice to make it two-way depending on me. And in this case, I was still processing my own emotions and feelings. At some point, I had to let people know - as I was taking adoption leave. The most common comment was - ‘I am so excited for you.’ The first time somebody said that to me, my response was, ‘eh - ok?’ I was still permitting myself to accept that it was real - we were going to get a baby. It was jarring to manage other people’s excitement when I am not there yet.

Another comment was - ‘Oh! She is so lucky.’ Having read all the books on adoption, I was thinking the worst thing that could have happened to her had already happened. As one of my adopted parent colleagues mentioned, ‘They dream that they had never met you.’ I am not denying their feelings about whether she is lucky or not. Still, the conversation feels one-sided, as I cannot respond with the thoughts in my head, as it would be socially unacceptable, especially with colleagues or acquaintances. In that conversation, what matters is their thoughts, their feelings, not mine. And it is a little odd as I don’t have a handle on my own thoughts and feelings. I am not thinking whether she is lucky or not. I am thinking whether she will bond with us. Should we get a stroller? What kind of diaper bag do I need, after being told by my brother that we will need one?

The other comment was, ‘You are doing such a good act or something along those lines.’ In my head, I am thinking, ‘This was more of a calling rather than a choice for me.’ And I do not like it when people put me on a pedestal of any sort, especially because I know my thoughts. I am not that nice or kind or unselfish. We did not adopt because it was a nice thing to do - we did it because it felt right. If only you knew the thoughts that go through my head - you wouldn’t think of me like that. And in more ways than one, she is also adopting us, right? I guess, from their perspective, it does seem that way.

The inability to respond with what I really want to say is another reason why I like blogging. It is my way to get it out- to say my thoughts and side of the story. And once it’s out, I have processed it. It does not matter who all read it - most importantly, I can speak my mind and hear my voice.

And then there is a section of people, a small one but it exists, who want to know the sordid details like, ‘Do you know what happened to her parents?’ A part of it is thinking, ‘Really! Is that what you want to know?’ And I want to respond with, ‘None of your business.’ And for some it was a conversation filler - when we would be waiting for other people to start the meeting. They would be like, ‘So?’ This is not a piece of information that I can spew when needed. Anyways.

One piece of advice I got from the adoption community was to prepare different responses depending on the person. If somebody is genuinely interested and wants to know, then share. With others, a cookie-cutter answer would do, and with some, it is ok to tell them to mind their own business. But a part of me resists the need even to customise the answers. Why should I do it because of others? I should be able to say what I want to everyone. On that note - Thank you for listening and letting me share.

Do you also prepare different responses to different people? Is it easier for you to share via writing than in a conversation?