Weird Problem - People Want To Hang Out With Me But I Don't?

So, I have a weird problem, and this blog is to explore that. The problem is that people want to hang out with me, but I don’t want to hang out with them. Three things to know before we explore this: Firstly, I am an introvert when it comes to people outside the circle of my trust, which is more like a dot of trust. In general, my preference is to avoid small talk, weather, sports, or any talk at all. I have a very thick door between what they see and who I am. And I am an extrovert to that inner circle, which means there are absolutely no doors - They see the real me or as real as I can get. I brag, I complain, I whine, I giggle - I tell them about every minute detail that I can think of, whether they want to know or not. Basically, they get to hear my unfiltered stream of mind chatter. There is one more pattern here: One of my strengths is getting things done, and to do that, I have to get to know people, but it does not tire me. Since it is a part of the outcome we are achieving, it gives me the purpose and energy to hang out with people. There is a reason to get to know people.

These are my mental models for deciding how much energy I need when I hang out with people. Now, there is a very strict boundary between the inner circle and outer circle - as I mentioned, the inner circle is more like a dot. Over the years, I have learnt to expand that circle a bit temporarily - like if I am stranded with some strangers at a bus stop on a rainy day - then yes, I do open some doors. Or, in a conversation, if there is some deep talk that isn’t small talk, I might open a window; or if I want you to be part of my inner circle, I will open up.

All of this makes perfect sense to me - but apparently this is not how some or most people operate. There is this expectation that you should hang out with people whether you like it or not, and if they really like you, then you should definitely hang out with them, or you should talk to people regardless of how you are feeling. This is the part I don’t get. I am selfish - very selfish. If I want quiet time, then I don’t care who you are; I am not talking to you. If conversations with you are draining, then I don’t want to hang out with you. I mean, why would you want to hang out with me if I don’t want to hang out with you? Don’t get me wrong - this is nothing personal - it is more my state of mind. And at the same time, if you come and say you need my help or support, I am there - it has got nothing to do with making small talk or hanging out.

Apparently, it is not good practice to speak about all this bluntly - it is better to give subtle hints or messages rather than being direct and saying ‘No’. I have a limited amount of energy, and it is usually spent getting through the day - so on weekends or weekday evenings, the energy I have is enough for the inner dot. So, how can I spend time with others who are draining anyway?

Yes, one can argue that it is up to me to make the conversations not draining. If I find somebody boring, then I need to find out what makes them tick - see, I do so much of that at work that I do not have the capacity to do it unless there is a purpose.

We will see what happens. Maybe I will get one of the badges that say ‘No Small Talk Please!’ as I move around in general public. Can you relate to any of this? Where do you land on the spectrum of hanging out?