How We Think We Trust Others But Don't Really!

I was four years old when we moved from Bangalore to Delhi, and then another seven years later, we moved to Nagpur. And another four years later, we moved to Bombay. Seven years later, I moved to Boston on my own, and then six months later to Phoenix, two years later to London. Seven years later, we moved to Columbus, where we have stayed for about 13 years.

Moving around a lot influences you as a child - and it becomes a part of who you are. Thankfully, most of our moves were coordinated and well-organised, but they were still moves. How did this kind of upbringing influence me? I am sure in myriad ways, which I am still discovering, but one big thing is trust. As I moved around a lot, I don’t trust people a lot - not because they are not trustworthy, but because I know at some point I will leave them, or in my head, they will leave me. And that means I have to take care of myself - I should not rely on other people. Maybe there is something of being the older child or rebel in there, but moving does that to you. And most of it is subconscious, as that is the life I knew, and that is how I adapted. That is how I could survive the transitions.

Trust, as defined in the dictionary, is - a firm belief or assured reliance on the reliability, truth, ability, or strength of someone or something. Reliance on a temporary arrangement is difficult. This is something that I have recently become aware of - it takes me a long time to trust somebody or never. I have a very tight circle of people, mostly my family and one or two friends, whom I trust implicitly, as growing up, they were the ones who were permanent in my life. But, as I have grown up, that mental model is not working anymore - because I cannot do everything or know everything. I have to trust a wider circle of people to get things done and know that they have my best interests at heart. And even if they leave, I am mature enough to figure it out and do it on my own. It’s not the end of the world to let somebody do something for me and trust that they are doing it right, or that it’s an iteration of it.

This is a big leap of faith for me. And I am painfully aware that I have come to this realisation because I know my current model of trust won’t work. I am stubborn that way - but when I realised this, I felt a sense of relief, knowing I could let go and trust others, even if it felt like a leap of faith. At the same time, trusting others does not mean blindly trusting them; you trust but verify responsibly. It is more trusting of your gut when it comes to people. There is also an element of letting go of control - being comfortable placing parts of outcomes/lives in other people’s hands. Whoa! That sounds scary, but that is ultimately what trust is.

One way to fake trust is to say you trust the other person, but when they get something wrong or make a mistake, you use it as evidence that you shouldn’t trust them. That is not trust - trust is when you work them when a mistake happens. Trust is letting go and placing your life in somebody else’s hands, like when you are a passenger in a car. You have the directions, you know where you are headed, but you are not driving. In some cases, you go to sleep, watch a movie, knowing that you will get where you need to eventually.