Can Something Be Both Terrifying And Amazing?

‘Anu, I am bringing my son to Bring Your Kids To Work. Can I swing by to say Hi?'
'I told them that you were an author.'
'Do you see all these people in the room - they all report to her (Me).'
'I am bringing my daughter and son to work - and would love for them to meet you.’

These were the messages from colleagues in my last role. Now, with Work From Home and video, kids have become an integral part of our work life. I am generally curious about the personal lives of my colleagues - it is a way to get to know them as a person. To be honest, I was surprised when they pinged me to ask if I wanted to meet their kids. It is a privilege and honour that they would request this in the first place.

So, during ‘Bring Your Kids To Work’ last week, I met their kids. Kids these days are just smarter, or we were more ignorant at their age. Firstly, their outfits - Oh My God - so cute, especially the girls, such cute skirts. All I had was a pink frock, which was itchy with all the lace and frills. Second, they seem to know their way around - there is no hesitation about where they sit. Third, they are more confident, as they do not shy away from asking for ice water or to sleep on the sofa. They seem to know all three ways to make a heart with their hands. They can have an intelligible conversation about Minecraft. I would bend down to their eye level, extend my hand to introduce myself and ask them their name. They would put their tiny hand in mine and say their name, either confidently or shyly, after telling me their name. The whole experience opens a very tender spot in my heart.

At the same time, it is scary that other people talk to their kids about me. Like one of them had told their kids that I am an author or that I am their boss. Or, even the fact that they would want their kids to meet me is scary. I cannot seem to get myself to admit why I am scared of this - and skirt around it. Is it scary because it feels like a big responsibility, somehow, that other people know about me now? Or, is it just the thought that now I have to watch what I say or do as other people talk to others about me? This is a little bit ironic, because I say all these great things, you know, which people repeat, and that is the whole point of saying them as a leader. But then I was scared when people actually started repeating that or imbibing it. What would have been preferable is if they had done that, but I never found out whether they did. Isn’t it weird?

It’s like I want to be inspiring. My vision is ‘Be a better version of myself every day and inspire others to do the same.’ And they are inspired, then I get scared. I think it is the responsibility - what if something happens because of what I said? Or, what if I am wrong? I am very confident about myself, but when it comes to other people, it is hard to know. I know there is a part of me which feels proud or even flattered, but right now the scared me is in the forefront. Will I ever get used to it?

Similarly, I want people to recognise me for the impact I have had in their lives - because I see the change in them. And when they do, then I do not want to hear it. And if they do not, then I complain about their ungratefulness. Am I very peculiar, right?

Sometimes the only way you arrive at an answer is to live it. Maybe this is one of those situations. Do you feel the same way in some situations?