Conformance or Rebellion - Is One Better Than The Other?

I had dinner with fifteen other Indian women last week. It was a women’s day dinner organised by a work group, and I was invited. Now, it was a novel experience for me in more ways than one. First, I cannot remember the last time I went out for dinner with people other than my family and friends (Yes, that’s singular). And a good chunk of that small group lives outside of the US. Second, I haven’t hung out with so many women. Third, I have never been with so many Indians at the same table for so long.

I said yes to the dinner because the intention was to share my journey to inspire others. I assumed it would be a formal occasion and kept thinking of what I could share - turns out it was a normal Indian party dinner, which again I haven’t been to in ages. So, I turn up ten minutes late because I am directionally challenged even with Tesla guiding me - Yeah, I know it’s my superpower. I was very apologetic for turning up late, but nobody could care less - in fact, few people turned up after I did. That made me feel better, and I recalled that it’s okay to be late to Indian parties.

I was woefully awkward and thankful that the host who had invited me seemed to have some agenda on how it would run. And then to make it even weirder for me, the first topic they discuss is work-life balance. Now, in my case, life runs itself, and Adam and I muddle through it, living our individual lives together, you know. It was fascinating to hear that they have challenges with their daughters, who are teenagers now, or boys who do not think they should inform their parents, and how they were born and brought up in India, are struggling to bring up their American-born kids. They are all wondering if they can have both a career and children, or if they have to sacrifice one for the other. And why do women mostly have to make the choice, whereas it is clear for men that they will choose a career? So much potential wasted on both sides - I am sure some men are much better stay-at-home dads, and some women will make kick-ass corporate leaders.

What was common in the dinner was that we were all women and had been born in India. With that comes a common language we all understand: being told that doing a four-year degree is just postponing marriage by a year. Knowing that boys need to study so they can support their families, but that girls need to learn how to compromise. The difference between them and me was that they listened to what they were told - I refused and rebelled. Don’t ask me why I rebelled - I am just wired that way. Now, my parents also supported me, and it helped that we stayed far away in North India when the rest of the extended family that constituted society was in South India. Now, at this stage in my life, I recall being scared that I would not have control over what happens in my own life, so I acted out by not learning to cook, not learning Tamil - things which I might have enjoyed had I trusted that I would not be married off without my permission. I learnt that authority figures aren’t always right. I learnt to speak up as it was within the close constraints of my family, which carried over as I left home for the big bad world. Maybe that is why I am always fighting: giving even an inch might mean I get married. It was always me against the world - start with offensive because you may never get a chance to defend.

But now I don’t have to do that. I can collaborate first because I am more in control than I was when I was growing up. It is okay to agree with people - I can let my guard down and hear what people are saying instead of being stuck on what I want for myself. Gosh! Even saying this feels like a relief.

Anyway, I left the dinner thinking there is a world where people get together regularly to talk about this. Now, when I was in London, that was my life, and I got bored with talking, so I was very happy when I came to Columbus, where nobody knew me, and I did not have to make up life stories that were constantly changing. The desire to share my story is not there anymore because I have repeated it so many times that it’s boring now to me, and hence for the audience too!

Don’t have a question to leave with you, except I wish we could see each other without the labels - then the world would be so much better and efficient.