Revenge Is A Dish Best Served Cold - Really?

I just watched the latest Knives Out Mystery on Netflix—a good one, with a great cast of characters, especially Father Jud. A few of the themes in this movie were secrets, confession and vengeance - and recently vengeance or revenge has been on my mind too! So, it was a good opening for the blog.

If you think I am plotting a great revenge drama, you are not incorrect. I do that a lot - in fact, I have come to realise that revenge has been a theme since childhood. As a child unable to exert control in the real world, I resorted to doing it through my thoughts over and over again. Because it makes me feel good in a very subversive way, it was easier to escape into the fantasies in my mind than face the reality in the world. I do not recall instances, but I do remember once in college - I had a peer comment about my grades being less than hers. I kept going back in my head, again and again, over what I would say to her. It is only now that I have come to realise this is my crutch for making peace with things when I have been hurt or felt helpless. When I was a child, it made sense as this was the only way to feel better - but like most things, I continued doing that as an adult.

Now, as an adult, what can I do about it? One treat myself with grace and kindness when I do this - I am human, and I am allowed to be imperfect. Second, remember what Katie Byron said, there are three types of business - mine, yours and god’s. The other party said something, and that is their business. What I do with that is my business. Something so simple but so powerful - right? And lastly, I need to keep asking myself what my intent is when I say or do something. These three things are one way to deal with situations in life - when people or situations trigger me. In reality, they did not trigger me - they were the means through which I could experience the trigger to work on it.

Life is kind, and it will give us ample opportunities to practice our lessons. We need to make use of it without getting caught up in the situation - awareness is always the best step. Now, knowing this framework does not mean that I do not replay situations on a loop in my head. I do, and it still makes me feel good - but maybe there are a couple of moments when awareness takes over, and I stop that thread of thoughts. Those moments are valuable because I am undoing conditioning of years - I need to be grateful for that.

Revenge is a way for us to feel in control - but is there another way we can feel that? Usually, revenge means we ‘feel’ we have been wronged, misunderstood, hurt or betrayed. And you want the person or the society that did this to you to suffer. You want to get even - you want the other person to know how it feels for you. So, the question is, what do you do? The answer is nothing - do not feed these thoughts. So anytime these thoughts pop up, be aware and try to focus on breathing, sensations, or something else, like gratitude. At first, we will fail, but slowly, with practice, the habit pattern of our mind will change until the feeling of revenge is a choice, not the default.

So, is revenge a dish best served cold or not served at all?