How To Find Inner Peace When You Are Battling With Yourself?

I re-watched the Queen’s Gambit series on Netflix again. It is about a fictional female chess prodigy who tends to self-destruct despite her genius. It is a well-done series, great actors - one of those series which has integrity, so it hits you where you need it the most. Isn’t that true about real works of genuineness - the ones that come through you and not by you. I love it when it happens - and that’s the reason why it’s called grace.

She learns from a janitor in her orphanage who tells her that her genius and her anger are like two sides of the coin. And she has to learn to control her anger for genius to flourish. At nine years old, the lesson resonates with her but is too difficult for her to acknowledge. So, like most of us, she internalises it at some level and then buries it deep within her. And right when her genius is at its peak, the anger rears its ugly head. It’s a feel-good movie - we see her struggle through her anger and make peace with it for her genius to flourish.

Now, I believe all of us have both sides of the coin. And for the most part, we have all heard what we need to hear, internalised it, and buried it in deep within our recesses. However, the universe is a benevolent entity, and, like a caring parent, it continually presents the dark side so that we can learn to cope with it. Sometimes it takes the form of certain people, sometimes it takes the form of situations, and sometimes it is an unending series of people or circumstances, or sometimes it is as simple as watching a sunrise. Accepting the dark side and letting it be without interfering with the genius we all have is the most courageous thing any human can do in this world. You have to be able to look at the dark side, accept it and let it be - I am sure we all have an inkling of what it’s like.

At the very beginning, we don’t even want to acknowledge that the dark side exists. Then we cannot deny it any more, and we look at it, but we do our best to make it go away. When that doesn’t work, we give up, as we have no choice but to accept it. And once that happens, we learn to live with the discomfort that arises - our tolerance and affection for it increasing a bit by bit until one day we smile at it in the mirror and have a wonderful conversation with it.

There is nothing more rewarding than doing that, however arduous the journey might be, or watching others go through it. There will always be people who will intentionally or unintentionally try to hinder you - and their intention might not always be clear. But, the way they make you feel is always crystal clear - it might be covered with clouds (like my blog this morning), but it is there. We need to learn to root ourselves in that reality and have the patience to let the muddy water settle until we can see clearly. We know this through experience - there is no other way. One day, we wake up after a dark period and realise what was in front of our eyes all the time. The only difference is that, instead of knowing about it, you have become it - how wonderful this universe and life are that help us achieve this. The universe is a friend if we let it and remember to be kind to ourselves.

This blog sort of took root in the morning Vipassana meditation, where, while rolling in thoughts, the realisation that awareness of breath and sensations in my hands/legs is the anchor to reality. While the thoughts are never eliminated, I can use them to change the habit pattern of my mind - how amazing is that?

Each of us has another side - What is your relationship with that side?