Read Between The Lines - A Necessary Evil or Social Norm?

Integrity is such a powerful word. The dictionary definition is the quality of being honest and having strong moral principles; moral uprightness. Just like everything in life, integrity has shades of grey.

How often do we say things because they’ve become a routine or just something to say, but don’t really mean it? I love you, or I will call you later. We should definitely catch up, or we should do this again. Integrity is one of my values, and sometimes I struggle to understand how truthful one is. This is true for others and me, as I realised that when people call you later, it is their way of signing off, not saying they meant to call you. Like the alligator, I guess. From my end, I don’t tell people, so let’s catch up again if I don’t mean it. What’s the point? Of course, over the years, I have learnt to fit in because in some situations the other party expects you to say you had a good time!

Let me tell you a story - what drives me at the core of everything is getting things done. At work, if I have to get anything done, it is through people as I lead teams. So, that means I have to learn how to work with people - and I do. I really do, my teams will tell you they may not agree with what I am asking them to do, but I care for them in my own way. I had a peer with whom we went through a difficult situation. And those are the ones where you really bond, so she said, ‘We should do dinner sometime. Come over. (Note: She is Indian, so it is common to invite work people over.) I could have said, ‘Yeah, sure, let’s do that. It would be fun.’ But what did I say instead, ‘See, if we come over, then I will have to invite you over. And that means I will have to cook and do all that.’ She was taken aback but said, ‘No, you don’t have to invite us over.’ I looked at her and said, ‘Come on - how will that work? Let’s just skip all of it, enjoy what we have at work.’ She still says hi to me fondly when we run into each other in meetings.

In my mind, that was the perfect response—everything is out in the open. When I told my dad this, he approved one hundred per cent. But my husband and mom were a little mortified. My mom said, ‘You actually told her that.’ And I said, ‘Yeah.’ As I mentioned before, I have learned to say white lies now, as it is the social norm, but it still lingers in my mind at times. I understand the lines between social norms and integrity are blurred here, and I fail to see clearly across the blurry parts.

In my mind, it is very clear—if I want to spend time with you, I will. If not, then why put on a mask to say I will? Ultimately, I will be miserable; at some level, even the other party will know that. So, save everybody the misery in the long run with what is really on your mind. I know cultural subtext is real - and people can read between the lines. I am not one of them - Why make someone read between the lines when you can say it aloud?

Why tell somebody you love their food and refuse to take a second helping? Or take the second helping and then complain about it afterwards. Instead of saying, “Good, but not for me,” the world will be better if we realise that being honest is being kind. And if you come from a place that does not attack/harm the other person, the actual message will go through.

What is your preference?