Advice We Give Is The Advice We Need To Take As Well, Really!

I asked one of my female mentees, a manager looking to become a director, ‘Why are you asking permission to become a director?’ In my conversation with her, she was trying to convince me, or rather herself, that she deserves to be a director, while she needed to talk about what she would be doing as a director. The next role she applied for, she got the promotion, and she thanked me for pointing out that she was asking for permission.

Now, fast-forward a few months. My female mentor asked me, ‘Why am I asking for permission before I apply for promotional roles?’ And when she said that, two things happened - one, I realised that I was giving the advice I needed to take, and second, that she was right, I was asking for permission. I was talking to a male colleague, and he said casually, ‘I would just apply…’ I shook my head and told him this was the difference between women and men. Women tend to agonise over every criterion before applying, whereas men apply even if there is less than ten per cent match.

See, here is the main point. Did I know that I don’t need to ask for permission? Yes. Did I know that men just apply, and women overthink? Yes. But did it stop me from doing either of these things? No. Because conditioning is so intense, maybe generations of women have conditioned the women’s race to think a certain way. Who knows? But, when it is happening to me, it is so hard to see it - that is why we need to have a network that can tell us what we don’t see, even if we know it intellectually. I don’t mean to say that we need this every moment of our lives, but when we make key decisions, especially when we know we are not thinking straight, something is off in our gut - we need to rely on our support network.

Who is in our support network is also key. Everybody is well-intentioned—they have our best interests in mind. I have come to believe that nobody wakes up in the morning wanting to make my life miserable—most of us are too busy with our lives. However, for a support network, there has to be trust and vibe. Trust is key - even if a small iota of mistrust is lingering, it’s best not to interact, as we will look at what they tell us through our glasses. And by vibe, I mean they speak your language.

I am going to digress and share a story. When he graduated, my younger brother was interviewing with companies but not getting a post-round 1. I asked one of my best friends to interview him, and she gave him feedback. He got through the next round. Basically, she told him that he needed to expand on his answers instead of providing one-line answers. It would not have had the same effect if I had given my brother the same feedback. This is not to say that he did not respect me or that it was a reflection on our relationship, but it was not our vibe. Now, vibe can change as we change too! The vibe with other people rarely has anything to do with others, but mostly with ourselves. We view the world through our eyes - and that changes as we realise that there are many sides to the truth.

So, there has to be that click when we need advice from our support network. And sometimes support may come from unexpected places, too! The universe is friendly and wants the best for us. We need to work on ourselves, reflect, and understand how we are blocking ourselves. What are we not telling ourselves that we are looking for others to tell us? It is easier said than done, but that is life.

Is there any advice you are doling out that you must also take?