Do All Problems Have To Be Solved - Really?

I am leading a focus group at work titled ‘Make IDS A Great Place To Work’. We were trying to figure out how to do that, and one person on my team said, ’ Let’s ask them what stops it from being a Great Place. ‘My answer was, ‘We cannot solve this problem.’

That’s when I realised that I have accepted that not all problems can be solved or have to be solved. You do your thing, learn what you can, and leave it in a better place than you found it. This change crept up on me. I guess I never realised until that statement that it was important for me to finish things. For example, if somebody had hurt me, then it was vital for me to let them know that they had. If somebody on the team did something, I had to give them feedback and let them know. If I fought, then I had to see it till the end. If there is an open action item, I have to know it was done. I had to get closure, which was external for the most part. Somewhere along the way of living my life - I have realized that closure rarely requires another party. It is in you.

Let’s go with the example of somebody hurting you or you fighting with somebody. You apologise for your side of the story, and expect the other party to do the same, but they don’t. And you believe that you cannot let it go until the other party apologises as well - that is your definition of closure. And for all you know, the other party has no clue you are expecting an apology. So, you carry it in your head like unfinished business - and at some point, you realize that this mental model is not working for you. You find out that for closure, you never needed the other person to say or do anything - all you needed was for you to learn the lesson and then move on. Yes, it was really that simple.

Is it fair? The other person needs to initiate and apologise. That person should put a balm over the hurt you are feeling. All these thoughts might cross your mind. But the question is, ’ Can we absolutely know that is the truth?’ Can we know for sure that the other person needs to do that? We decided in our head that we were hurt, and the other party was required to make up for it. And we carry this baggage for years and sometimes lifetimes. It is hard to let go of the righteousness of knowing how things should be - ‘She should apologise.’ We believe that thought without checking to see if it is true or not. We do that all the time - we live in our minds and see the world through that. And we don’t stop at that; we impose those on others and get upset when they cannot read our minds or do as we think they should.

Even as I write this blog, a tickle starts in my heart because it is funny—and even more so because we take it seriously. Who benefits from holding onto a grudge? Nobody—in fact, I am harming myself. Now, does it mean that in the future, if somebody upsets me, then I will laugh? Maybe not, but I have built a muscle that knows there is a way out. And that is a win in my book.

Are you holding onto a thought in your head and believing it is real?