How To Avoid The Control Trap? Illusion Of Control.

I just watched a nice movie—Rekhachitram, a South Indian Malayalam language movie from Kerela. Malayalam movies are one of my favourites, maybe because one of my first crushes was a Malayalam guy, but the movies are very real. When you watch them, you won’t know if you are watching life unfold in front of you or if a movie is involved—no ‘showbiz’ is involved like most other movies.

In the movie, a young, talented cop is trying to solve a murder. The case gets transferred to the crime branch, and he is taken off the case and assigned to traffic duty. Because some hotshot does not want the murder solved, this young cop asks one of his colleagues, “What can he do?”

Let’s digress for a bit - I needed internet when I moved to Phoenix, so I called the company. They politely told me it would take six weeks or so - I did not like the answer, but I said Thank You and hung up. For the first time, I realized that things were not under my control and that there was very little I could do about it. See, up until then, I had lived in the sheltered world that my parents had created for me, and they seemed to fix all my problems for me (some of it was due to my whining and complaining). And here I was in a land far, far away without my parents to magically wave a wand to get the internet NOW.

The frustration, anger, and disappointment emotions were all there, but there was no easy way to get rid of them. Up until then, if there was any discomfort, I would vent, talk, and complain to my parents, and the pain would ease. When I was in Phoenix, I obviously did not know that this was what was happening - I tried to reduce the discomfort in ways I could - watching movies, hanging out with other people, and planning my day such that I could use the internet at work. And there were other factors as well, like I did not have a car and did not know how to drive - so I would wait in the living room hoping one of my roommates would make a trip, and I could tag along with them. For the first time, I was lonely (not alone), as up until then, I had always come home to my parents. So, coming home to my room was sad, but I was not even aware of that emotion - in fact, I did not think it was ok to feel that way, so I ignored or pushed away that emotion.

In that situation where I was trying to figure out how to manage living - how I dealt with emotions went unheeded. Maybe that’s where my emotional intelligence took a back seat. I learnt to work around the feelings instead of sitting with the discomfort and making peace with it. Life is a great teacher - it ensures that the lessons that we have to learn are done in some way or another. The emotional awareness and management, which took a back seat, have surfaced again now - where I am trying to become aware of emotions and see how I react to them. I am trying to identify and understand patterns because now I have the emotional maturity to look the discomfort in the eye and make friends with it. Is it easy? No, but I am in a place where they do not overwhelm me.

Well, I started this blog wanting to discuss how control is an illusion, but I somehow ended up on the topic of emotional awareness. I guess they are not that separate. The world is full of things, and people who will break the illusion of control. As humans, we need some sense of control, but as beings, we know that we never had any control and will never have any control—except over our reactions. So, we will go from having control to having that illusion broken - and with that comes the emotional roller coaster ride.

What do we do? Learn to ride the coaster and enjoy it, knowing it is a ride. It is not as easy as it sounds - it requires us to be aware of the emotions inside and not blame the other person who happens to be in front of us or our thoughts. Intellectually, it sounds straightforward, but when the person or situation is in front of you - the emotions in you are so strong that you lash out; you want that person or situation to go away - at that time, it’s like you are in a fog, and you know you should not react, but it happens.

There are three stages when we are learning something - first, is realizing that you have been angry for the last four hours; second - is realizing that you are angry right now, but there is not much that you can do about it, and third - is realizing that you are going to get angry and you welcome it and use it to sharpen your spiritual practice. And we all go through each of the stages multiple times in our life, and the process is challenging each time. The only way out is through - Do any of the stages resonate? And are you kind to yourself while evolving from a caterpillar to a butterfly?

This blog is dedicated to all of us undergoing a metamorphosis. I wish all of us lots of loving kindness (Metta).