Anger or Drama is so much better when it is Aware, Really!

My husband and I sat in one of the new Starbucks Roastery in Chicago, a four-floor building dedicated to coffee, chilling out, and lovely food. We had gone to Chicago over St.Patrick’s weekend, oblivious that the river was dyed green, which was a pleasant coincidence as we hadn’t gone to group events like these in a while. It was a weekend getaway plus a city-fix trip. And Chicago being Chicago - Saturday was a lovely sunny day where you could wear flip-flops, and Sunday was sleeting with snow and rain. Those are the best days to find a cosy spot and ponder the meaning of life.

So that is what we were doing on the second floor of Starbucks, watching snow flurries as we sipped her drinks and had shakshouka. And during random conversations, while I journaled and read ‘Mr Whisper’ on Kindle - I heard my husband say, ‘I doubt I would have been pushed so much if I had married somebody else!’ My reaction to that was, ‘Eh! really?’ But then, like all true statements that keep resonating within you until you make peace with it - I kept hearing/thinking of all the other statements, ‘The speed at which you work is more than what I am used to’ or ‘You demand excellence’ or my own vision which is ‘Be a better version of myself every day and inspire others to do the same.’ or ‘You connect dots so fast - you have to bring people along.’

We signed off on our house in two weeks when people said it would take months. I broke all boundaries growing up and then some. It was a ‘fish realizing what water is’ moment for me - yes, however hard that is to believe. It never occurred to me that the life I live and how I expect work to be done might not be normal for other people - even as I write this, I have a hard time believing it. It is not a bad thing - it is finding the balance and being aware of the fact. And acknowledging the fact sometimes it is ok to slow down - not everything has to be so intense. I wonder where this intensity came into me in the first place. Maybe, growing up, I was afraid that if I did not make wishes/wants to be heard, I would be overlooked or growing up in a country of billions, that one question you got wrong could cost you a seat. I don’t know - but I am beginning to see why some people might see me as intense. Now that I am aware of it, I have noticed that in those moments, the sensations in my body are also very intense and manifest outwards.

Maybe these intense sensations stem from fear - fear of being unheard, fear of missing the timeline, fear of something. And maybe growing up, these fears were valid - as a child, there is not a lot that you can control, and this model worked for me well, but as an adult, these fears are not so scary anymore - so, what if we run out of the meeting time and I haven’t said my piece. What if I am not able to retort back to somebody who is criticizing my team at that moment? What if I cannot get answers to my questions right away? What if I do not respond immediately?

I am ready to explore another reality where I am strategic about my intensity - how I channel it. And that means being aware of it in the first place - once I become aware of it, the rest will take care of itself. Here is to aware of who you are being in the moment! Do you know who you are at the moment?