Does The Word Conformist Make Your Squirm?

I did not get where I am today by saying YES. I have questioned the so-called authority for as long as I can remember. I did what I thought was right, which was mostly the opposite of what they said—and I did not just survive but thrived. Growing up, the norm was to wear traditional clothes, grow your hair, and learn cooking—after all, girls had to get married. I cut my hair really short, wore jeans, read books, and refused to step into the kitchen as I did not want to tick any boxes that would make me marriageable.

My parents, bless them - tolerated my rebellious nature and still love me for it. (I am so grateful for the people in my life who love me despite who I am with all my flaws and all.) Looking in hindsight, I made life difficult for them - more so for my mom as she was a woman. And I actively refused to fit the mould of what a daughter would be for her. At our last family get-together - we were all sitting around the table. I do not remember the exact topic, but I remember my dad saying, ‘Adam will do it - because he listens to us.’ That’s when I realized that from my parent’s perspective, I never listened to them. And I remember even my husband, Adam, telling me that - once in a while, it would be nice if I just listened to him.

And I was oblivious to that fact because I was afraid. I was scared that if I did not rebel, I would be forced to do things I did not want to do, like get married. In an incident, my mom would tell me not to cut my nails in the evenings - and I asked her why. She responded that her mom had told her that. I asked her why she had not questioned her mom. My mom refused to answer that question. At some point, my dad explained that there was no electricity in the old days, so it was best to cut nails in the morning when you could see where they landed. Why did I not just listen to my mom’s words and simply do that? I Do Not Know - none of my cousins questioned; I was and am still the odd one in some ways.

So, somewhere as I was growing up - questioning things became a habit. In fact, if somebody said something, my first response would be no. And without realizing it, I carried it into my adulthood as well. Along with that came a ‘scepticism’ for hierarchy. What I mean by that is just because you are my boss or SVP or a priest does not mean I am going to listen to you blindly. You have to explain to me why it makes sense - even in my very first project, I argued with the tech lead until he convinced me that the technology we were using was the best one. The rest of my peers were ok - but I insisted on understanding how it would work. All that to say, I have developed a habit of saying no.

The habit of saying No, being a rebel, and not blindly trusting the hierarchy helped me thrive growing up. Eventually, a rebel with a cause became a rebel for the rebel’s sake. But now I am grown up—I don’t need to be scared anymore, and most importantly, I can discern when to rebel and when not to—I need to be strategic in using this superpower. It is scary to let go of what has protected me for so long, even if I know that it’s the right thing to do. And it is exhausting to rebel all the time. My neural networks have existed for so long that any deviation is problematic - but to evolve, I have to rebel against those internally! And if I have to be the best version of myself every day and inspire others to do the same, then I have to let go of older versions.

What older versions of yourself do you need to let go of? And all the best to all of us on that journey.