It Is Time To Grow Up - Willingly Or Unwillingly.

As I sat down to write today, I could not find the right starting words. But the gist of what I wanted to talk about—where I am with my role at work—was clear, so I looked at my old posts. As I perused the posts since July 25th last year, I noticed that most of my writing revolved around work. After last week’s insight - I chatted with my mentors at work because personal attack(s) at work shifted my view of what was possible in this seemingly normal world.

I knew this role would be challenging—that was one of the reasons I accepted it. But what I did not realize was the extent of the challenge. The blogs have been a neat way for me to go back and see what I struggled with at the 3-month mark, 6-month mark, etc. There are phases in any challenging situation for me.

First is the confidence that I can do it within days; then reality hits, and I realize that I still have to learn, and then the cycle of trial and error starts. With that comes the emotional ups and downs when I am happy that I succeeded one day and failed the next. In this case, I would feel for a few weeks that I have learnt all the lessons until something like a feedback session happens, and the cycle starts again. But, there usually comes a tipping point when I am tired of suffering, complaining and, in general, fed up with it. What this means is that all the work I have put in the past - has resulted in building the muscles, but my mind/emotional side is still clinging to the past.

I believe I am at a point now where I am fed up with talking about the same thing repeatedly, even if the plot seems a bit different. I am ready to move past this, and I am in the process of solidifying the how. It is a bit like Anne Lamott’s writing process - some things are apparent, and there are things on the edges that will become clearer as I walk ahead.

One thing is clear: I am not going to trust people who have betrayed my trust more than once. And I will do this without any bitterness/hatred against them - it will take time, but I will get there. And I am going to do this by focusing on the message and not on the messenger. I am guilty of letting my thoughts/feelings about the messenger cloud the message. If I just listen to the words and decide the next course of action, I would have more inner peace.

Second, is to ask myself so what? One of my mentors suggested it. So, when a stakeholder that I have negativity towards asks me to do something, a part of me bristles at what I view as - ‘ordering me’. For example, last week, one of the stakeholders asked me to pull together a summary - which was on my list anyway. The fact that they asked me to do it - generated anger in me - and it is happening even now as I write about it. But the thought that emerged was - I was going to do it anyway, so what if they told me to do the same? I have to sit with this and internalize this even more.

Third, I need to keep reminding myself WHY I want to continue doing this. There are three reasons: a)This process is making me a better leader and person. b) I am delivering value despite all the issues. The universe was not subtle about this one - in the last week, I have had a couple of people come out of nowhere and tell me how what I did years ago helped them. My mentors also stressed that they found the sessions with me very useful.

Last but not least, we all know that the body keeps score, so I am going to meditate with intent, and I am going to do another ten-day meditation retreat soon. The intent for that is to absorb the above and work through the sensations that arise in my body. So, the person who emerges on the tenth day is ready to cruise this level blindfolded until life decides it’s time for me to move up to the next level.

Now, I will boost my ego and say that the world includes many more people than just a couple of stakeholders who are having problems with me. It’s their loss, not mine. I know it does not mean that tomorrow I will wake up and have no problems - I will. And there will be times when my head will be underwater and when I am up. Hopefully, the times I am underwater will keep decreasing, and I can laugh at myself when that happens.

At the end of the day, the only way out is through. I know I have to do this whether I want it or not—one of those deep knowings that drives us towards transformation. I look forward to meeting this new version of me - Does that resonate with you, too wherever you are in the journey of your life?