How To Sidestep Personal Minesweepers?

It’s been quite a week—filled with insights. The writer’s retreat last weekend in Hollywood, LA, was the beginning of it all. When a group of people who want to honour their creativity get together for a weekend in a room - it is impossible to come out of that event without being changed in some shape or fashion. We may not know what the change is or what has changed, but the very fibre of our beings vibrates with a different frequency. When hundreds of people tell you that ‘You are…’ at the initiation ceremony, that energy pierces through us, making the light shine through us more. It makes you lighter and grounded at the same time.

So, filled with this energy, I showed up at work Monday morning. My body is still thrumming from the weekend vibes. When I breathe, I can feel it course through my body and go through the tips of my toes. Thank you for writing retreat community.

Some of you may remember that my current role at work has been quite challenging for me at the new level, as I mentioned in this previous blog. This week, the drama continued. Long story short, one of the stakeholders set up a feedback session with me. One of the feedback comments went like this: ‘You are attacking. You are blocking. You are intentionally pitting two teams together. You are making degrading comments.’ Usually, I would have defended myself by stating - No, I am not doing any of these. I have tried to convince the other party of my sincere intentions many times before. But it hasn’t worked right because we are back here again.

Maybe it was the clarity from the energy over the weekend, or it was just time—whatever the reason—this time, I responded differently. I did not take it personally. (One of my mentors told me ‘not to take things personally’ at the beginning of the role, but I had not quite grasped what he meant until now. Thank you!!)

My response was along these lines: if someone thinks I am out to get them, then I cannot control that. They are free to believe what they want - I have said this before and will mention again that I have no such nefarious intentions. And this conversation will not go anywhere as they will say I am insulting, and I will say I am not - now what? So, instead of focusing on what is wrong with me personally, as per them - can we focus on the issue or pain point they are facing? This was THE moment when the arrows that would have pierced me before went around me. (How cool is that? I am very proud of myself). The other party was a little taken aback as they had come prepared for a battle about the ‘Personal’ me, and I had neatly sidestepped that. So they said, “Why was this effort delayed by X weeks?” I responded, “That is a great question - how about we set up time with the team and understand the delay?”

At this point, I am aware that the other party is probably feeling cheated as they came in looking for a battle, and my response robbed them of that opportunity.

Now, it was really tough. I would be lying if I said that it did not hurt—it is hard to hear accusations being hurled at you, especially by someone you thought was a friend or someone you had spent time building a trusting relationship with for the past year. But in this case, I could see very clearly that a) despite my efforts, there was no trust/friend here, and b)the accusations were not true, and I refused to engage. And with every such instance, my emotional resilience increases - so I was in a funk for an evening, and the next day, I was back to my equanimity.

Don’t get me wrong; I did fact-check with my boss to confirm that there is no honest feedback for me in this situation, which I am ignoring. He agreed that this was an outlier situation and was sorry that it happened. It had taken me a long time to not put people in boxes from which they could not get out. I learned that people can surprise you. However, now the lesson for me is that with one or two, it is ok to put them in a box because it is needed for your well-being, and you have given them enough changes. This is not to say that they cannot surprise you, but it has to be consistently proven to me that this is the case now, not something that I will assume by default.

I am so grateful that even as I write this, there is no bitterness in me; the breath is still coursing freely. When I interact with them next, it will be from a space of goodwill. And that is the most important thing for me—my inner peace. Thank you, Universe and Writing Retreat Community!!

How do you sidestep personal minesweepers?