There Is A Reason Why There Is A Limited Memory For Emotions...

I sat in the lobby in the photograph above almost two decades ago and told my manager I was resigning.

I had been working on the project for only six months and had also been in the US for that duration. He was furious, but I left for a new job in Phoenix the next day. I had been in the workforce for just about two years, and there was not much he could do about it. In my naive and youthful logic - I had nothing to lose by quitting. He was a nice manager; he picked me up at the airport, and his wife told me that the shower curtain had to be inside the bathtub so the water would not spill (In India, we do not have bathtubs). The first six months in the US were my first time away from home - and it was so far away I could not just go back. And it was a lot of firsts for me - the first time I slept alone anywhere (In India, there was always family, friends or neighbours around). The first time I did grocery alone, I figured out the bus system in a new country. The first time I was alone when I came home. This was when cell phones were coming onto the market, wi-fi was still local and not ubiquitous, and there was no WhatsApp or Skype, but we had to call cards instead.

I quit because the current project was not exciting, and on a lark, I interviewed and got another job in Phoenix. There was not much thinking about it. I spoke to my parents as I was supposed to return home after six months. My mom’s instant reply was to pack my bags and come back home immediately. My dad’s reply was to make sure I always had enough money to hop on a plane back to India. Looking back, I don’t think we knew what we were doing - so much was unknown. And sometimes that is the best way. Ignorance is bliss. If I think about it now - a twenty-three-year-old who had never left home in the US for the first time moving from Boston to Phoenix twenty years ago when travelling to the US was not very common… I would have thought about it twice, thrice or some more. After that, I moved to the UK - a whole new country on my own, but it was easier in some ways.

And I had forgotten all about the first few months in the US until this trip to Boston. Boston was my port of entry to the USA, and I have visited Boston many times but never to Bedford, where I spent the first six months. This time, for some reason, I cannot fathom, we visited my old haunts. The company I used to work for does not exist anymore. The candlewood suites I stayed in are called Sonesta Simply Suites. The Sun Microsystems (The company that wrote Java) that I longed to work for is now owned by Oracle. The road to the bus stop, which had nothing except trees, now has a mall. The one-lane roads are now two lanes on each side - a Starbucks is within walking distance. A part of me wonders if I knew what was in store for me - I might not have taken the path I did.. Who knows?

Most importantly, there are similar but significant changes in my landscape. Just being there in person brought up a flood of memories, which was overwhelming - some of them were not nice. It was hard to be on my own, growing up and dealing with it. And there is a reason why I never consciously or subconsciously did not want to go back despite being in Boston so many times. I probably did not have the muscle to bear the weight of all the old memories that came rushing back until now. I don’t even know who Anu was two decades ago - and even the way back to her has overgrown, but it was through that path that I reached where I am today. Sometimes, it is good to complete the circle because it needs to be done.

I do not know why I wanted to go back this time around. Nor do I want to know except that it needed to be done—to stand in the same places and recognize who I was then and who I am now. It’s like now I can wear all the different layers of me from before and bear its weight without buckling under it. Sometimes, you need to be whole with all your past selves to move ahead. Refer to one of my previous blogs about levelling up in life. And to that, you must honour all the previous levels - Thank you, universe!

What is your relationship with all your previous levels?