Do I Need Your Approval? Love?

The past few weeks have been more reflective than usual. Refer to one of my previous blogs about levelling up in life. It’s like I am peeling back the layers of onion—and the onion is me. This blog explores another of those layers.

I am an Enneagram type 8, the Challenger, and one of the characteristics I get stuck on is that Eights like to be respected and admired rather than enjoyed or loved. So, here is an example: I know there are times when I would like to be loved. And in the rare case that somebody expresses their love or liking towards me, I am in a state where I can recognize that, so I brush it off.

Another example is when I tell one of my friends that they do not want to spend time with me despite their stating that it is not valid. When they actually do set up time, I try to dismiss it by stating that they did it only because I asked them to do it and not because they wanted to do it themselves.

Eights are inspiring by nature; they inspire others. I want to do that and am aware of that quality without intending to do that. But when people tell me that, I brush it off by saying that I had no intention of doing that in the first place. Maybe it is because I feel threatened or insecure at a subconscious level.

I want people to recognize me, appreciate me, and tell me how I have improved their lives. When some people express that, I react in a couple of ways. First, I accept it, knowing they are just saying it because it is the right thing. Second, I downplay it or make it inconsequential.

Now, my close friends and family know me well enough that they recognize the intent behind the words I use, even ithey mean the oppositething.

It’s like I want something from others; I want them to say or behave a certain way. And when they do that, I refuse to accept it. The question I am asking today is, why is that?

Is it because I fear that if I accept it, my reality will no longer exist? If I accept that people love me, what will it mean to my identity, which I have based on not being loved or admired? If I admit that I inspire others, it is too much pressure. And then I have to be somebody who always inspires. So, maybe it is safer for me to refuse to accept it and give myself the freedom to be who I am. Or, perhaps I am just embarrassed by the praise?

Or, maybe resisting is a means of validation for me. By rejecting what I sought initially, I might be subconsciously seeking validation—and the more I refuse it, the more they iterate it. Or, maybe deep down, I genuinely believe that I don’t deserve that praise because I know my failings and am aware that I am not nice. Even writing this on this piece of paper feels so foreign—I want to distance myself from what I am actually feeling.

Maybe it is time I start giving myself the love and approval I am asking from others. If I accept it myself first, then I can get it from other people. That sounds scary - it means telling myself that I have done an excellent job, that I love myself, that YES - I inspire others. And it does not mean I have to perfect - I can inspire others while still working on myself. And it is unfair to expect others to fulfil what I cannot do for myself. It is not fair for me to blame them for doing what I want to do for myself.

What does it mean? I need to go inwards more and stay there, however uncomfortable that feels. As I wrote that sentence, I had to watch a YouTube clip because I did not have the muscle to sit with the feelings that triggered. But I have to start somewhere—and awareness is the first step. And what got me here won’t get me there - and to level up something(s) have to shift. Onwards and upwards!