Grudges Vs Growing Up - What Is The Connection Here, Really?

I did not know this about myself—I let go of grudges by making the other party suffer, even if it is mock-suffering. And who else can bring this to light except my husband? Who knows which buttons to push for me to be a better version of myself?

One time, I don’t remember what the situation was, but I was upset and told Adam that he would have to get me Starbucks to make up for it. And his response was, ‘Yes - as always, I have to pay for it.’ And like all nuggets of wisdom that life throws our way - this one kept niggling in my heart until one day, I was ready to face it. I could look at myself in the mirror and say - I hold onto grudges and one of the ways I know how to let them go is to make the other party pay. It may come in the form of having them apologise, telling them that they owe me, or, in Adam’s case, having him run errands for me.

It is tough to look at yourself in the mirror and admit that you don’t really like what you are seeing - but I also know that these have to be faced because it is me at the end of the day. At this time, I have grown up enough to face this truth about myself. Until recently, I was hurt (right, wrong or different) by other people/circumstances, and I would hold onto that grudge. It’s the ignorance in me that thought holding onto grudges was the right thing to do, and the other party has to pay. But, as the veil of ignorance lifted, I could see my inability to deal with the pain/hurt the other party had “supposedly” caused me. As I have always maintained, awareness is the first step towards healing - when the light is turned on, the darkness disappears automatically without having to do anything. Similarly, once the awareness that I held onto grudges because I could not heal inside became clear, grudges and inner knots started to melt away.

I am still understanding the spool of this thread unravelling as I write this blog, and I am grateful for that. I am thankful for the ability to write blogs and process these things on paper. Universe, I am grateful. So, what does this mean? The quote that came to mind was - that holding to anger is drinking poison yourself and expecting the other party to die. I have heard this quote before; it is one of the quotes in an app I developed a couple of years back. But, there is a difference between an intellectual understanding and internal revelation. Intellectual understanding is sometimes the first step to experiential understanding. Now, if I find a grudge or bitterness building inside, it is a sign that I need to heal from inside. I must express self-compassion and self-love instead of masking it in somebody else’s suffering. And it is a sign that I have built the muscles to do that within me - I am growing up, levelling up in the game of life - Thank you, universe. (Another reference to my levelling up blog)

Am I in a hurry to build more muscles like these? No—it is quite painful to face such truths about oneself, and it is better to wait until I am ready.

Do I experience negative feelings when I realise I have not been the best version of myself? Yes - whether I want them or not, they are here, and I need to accept myself- warts and all. After all - to be human is to be imperfect.

What is your relationship with your imperfection?