How Do Other People Reflect Your Inner World?

I ran this morning, prepping for my half marathon in four weeks. I use my phone to track my miles, laps, etc. I planned to do twelve miles today but set my target to ten miles on the phone. I wanted to protect myself from disappointment in case I could not make the twelve miles. (I did run 12.39 miles finally—I cannot resist stating that here.)

Let’s take a detour to what happened yesterday. I was chatting with my colleague about one of his interests - working out. And then, while wrapping up, I said - we should talk about my interest next time. And he instantly added a disclaimer - that he cannot claim to know much about those. And I jokingly chided him on setting expectations low to avoid disappointment - precisely what I did this morning. That made me think about everything I say about other people, but they also apply to me.

For a long time, people have told me that I am very forceful, and when I say something, it comes out like a statement or a declaration. I have tried to tone it down, but I have always wondered why people say I intimidate them. In my current role, I found that I am intimidated by some of my peers—that is a weird feeling for me. I find it hard to say anything that is in opposition to what they are saying. When they say something - it is with so much conviction, and the tone is very combative. And there is this underlying thread that what they want to say is more important than anything else. Frankly, it does not invite me to participate in the conversation. In fact - initially, I would match their tone, and that, as you can imagine, was not very productive. However, now I tone down and still say what I want or take it offline.

However humble the thought maybe, I am beginning to see how others feel the same when they talk to me. Now, my husband has told me this a thousand times and also some of my brave colleagues have mentioned this at work, so I have learned to smile and preface my words with thank you when I speak at work. The point here is that I needed to experience somebody like me to imagine working with somebody like me. And if I am being truly honest - I do not make it that easy - even if I think I have toned down now. My teams do like me, but the general theme is that they admire me but do not love me so much. For cuddly conversations, it is better if they speak to somebody else - despite having learned empathy, it does not come naturally to me. What comes naturally to me is tough love. I am grateful to see somebody similar to me, as it helps me understand what people go through when they have to work with me.

There are many situations where I find myself telling others something I should also be following. There is a reason for the saying, ‘The advice you give others is the advice you need to take.’ There is an exercise to eliminate ego - imagining that everybody around you is a Buddha - enlightened or a wise person, and you are the only bumbling fool around. This does not mean that if they say - eat five cheesecakes, you follow, but within reason, if you look at others as spiritual teachers, it will make life easier for you. One of my team members said, ‘Instead of arguing with them - just ask them to send us a checklist, and we will just do it.’ When he said that - it made so much sense, which started this thread of learning from others; sometimes I am stuck in being me - when there are bigger things at stake than me.

What can you learn from others if you don’t like them?